Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
