Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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