My sheets look like a crime scene.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
