All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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