you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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