i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
