I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
