He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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