I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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