she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
