we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
