I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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