hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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