My nipple is on Facebook.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Drunk is not a location!
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