I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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