i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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