About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
