I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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