It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize