I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
