The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize