I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
