Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
