The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
