well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
