drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
