Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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