I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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