So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
