That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
