Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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