Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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