I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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