i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
