The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
