Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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