Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
