I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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