He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
