Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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