Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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