i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
