I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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