this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
