2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
