my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
