Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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