Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
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