i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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