Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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