one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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