She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize