You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
