I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
