just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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