My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
