let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize