I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
