i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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