I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize