Your dad touched me again.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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