zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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