The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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