my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize