Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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