Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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