Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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