Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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