i need an iv and a liver transplant
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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