I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize