How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
