The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was born a porn star she said
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She swung at the pinata with crutches
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
