I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
