my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
whose ass print is on the piano?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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